I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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