just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
