you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
