i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
