I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
