I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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