Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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