hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My pussy is not your playground.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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