You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize