woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
