mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
