the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
