I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize