I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I didn't shave. On purpose
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
