So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize