When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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