btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
the condom got lost in my hair
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
