Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
