Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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