If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
