My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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