I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
porn star boner night. come get it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
