I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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