some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
