You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
