I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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