Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize