I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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