I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
