five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
