i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
