I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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