is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
