please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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