definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
