shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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