I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
