i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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