Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
