The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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