Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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