I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
