Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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