I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
