No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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