Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well I just put wine in my tea
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
