you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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