I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
