im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
