Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
