I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
