it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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