apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize