we have pet lesbian snakes
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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