The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
